Considering a life of crime? He’s a tip. Don’t add the word ‘criminal’ to your name. That was the first of Criminal Dave’s problems. There were more to come. Don’t call a mini-cab when trying to make an escape. Don’t call a locksmith and come and give you a bit of help with a safe. And don’t have the theme tune to The Bill as your ring tone and then scare yourself every time it goes off during a job and don’t walk into an East End gangland pub and shout out ‘I’m a Supergrass, me’ as a joke.
If you are going to be a criminal, make sure you throw in the following words into every sentence possible: shooter, stitched-up, filth, done me like a kipper, Danny Dyer, scarper, squeal, monkey basket, leave it, dabs, pony, blower, her indoors, screw, gertcha, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, rabbit, caper, capers, lovely jubbly.
